Sunday, December 19, 2010

Colours

A view of something that comes in many colours, put or stacked or arranged or lined up together makes me happy...Especially! if it is of the same size. More so.. if it involve simultaneous movements.  Like the many televisions switched on to the same channel, displayed in electrical shops.  Or the watches or clocks arranged closely in a clock shop showing the same time, while the second hands move... in synchronized motion.  Those sights somehow, urge me to pause, stand still for a while and look at them with full attention.  That’s when the magic begins, everything around me stops.  The salesgirl, the cashier, the loud teenagers, all pay their respect and keep quiet.  I call this moment absolute peacefulness.

Which I really need right now!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Things we take for granted

It's not unusual for me to have random thoughts. One of these thoughts is about if Allah would take back something from my body or the five senses, which one would I be okay with to lose. By being okay means that I won't mind so much about not having it. As a result of some more random thinking, I came up with these:

# I definitely hope that I do not lose my eyes and the sense of sight. Especially because I need them to read. Although there is the invention of Braille, I doubt that each and every single book in this world has its Braille version. But that's not it. I definitely absolutely do not want to lose them because then I won't be able to see the colours in this world, beautiful sceneries, beautiful paintings. The thought of me not being able to draw anymore is so......sad. I am so grateful to still have my eyes.

# So, I thought owh maybe I would be okay to lose my hearing. Maybe it will even feel good because the world becomes silent....and calm. But I changed my mind again when I remembered music and songs that I really liked to listen to again and again. And also the different languages that I love to hear people talk with...Japanese, Malay with various dialects, Korean, British English, Irish accent and my grandmother's language...Jawa. So scratch that, I definitely don't want to lose my hearing.

# Next I thought about being mute. That would be nice I think. Since people won't think of me as a weirdo when I am quiet. Lots of people ask me this question:
Kenapa senyap je, ada masalah ke.
Takdelah, takde ape-ape nak cakap, so senyap je la.
After having this two line conversation with me, they'd usually come up with their own conclusion which will be either of these: 'she's weird', 'something's wrong with her' or 'sombongnye, ko kenape?'.

In case the person who had experienced this type of conversation with me is reading this, please I beg you, please trust me. I have no problem or grudge against you. I m just being myself who is too lazy to use her brain to be able to talk.

# I could not lose my hands. I do most of my daily chores with it especially eating. No...no...I can't survive without my hands. Owh I also need them to drive. So then is it ok if I don't have my legs but just one of it, the left one because I don't need that to drive.

But, what I am experiencing now made me realised that those thoughts sounded so much like I am bragging to God. Astaghfirullahalazim...

Today Allah only took a small part of what was given to me. It is so challenging I don't know how much longer could I withstand this test.....What's the test you asked?......

I couldn't smell. Although perhaps at some moments you would wish you couldn't smell, moments like your friend who had constipation for a week farting in your room.

It's only been 1 and a half day that I couldn't smell. During this time, I couldn't taste the food that I am eating. So, I was just stuffing my mouth to survive, it felt like munching dirt. This morning, when I opened the refrigerator, I saw that someone put a drink from last night in a container . I called it a drink because I couldn't figure out whether it's coffee or tea after drinking it. I tried hard smelling it but still I failed to identify what it really is. I was furious about this, so I grabbed a container of chocolate thinking that perhaps I could taste them since it always taste so good. This time it felt like munching melted dirt.

So, i am looking forward for this stuffy runny nose to go away quickly and recover my smelling sense A.S.A.P. Most importantly, I would never take for granted anything that I have and really hope not to lose it. Alhamdullillah for everything that I have today.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I badly need answers

A workshop that I joined recently really made me curious and furious.

The workshop was to guide us on ways to teach weak students on answering the questions in the English Language exam, Paper 2 which requires a lot of writing. Note that weak students are those who barely understands the language or could barely use it to speak moreover to write in it. The tips given by the presenter were great because they really work. They had succeeded in achieving their objective using those tips to their weak students. However, I couldnt help but felt really uneasy about the point of this whole thing-the objective.

The point was to make the weak students able to answer the questions and pass the exam. By drilling the students with sentence patterns that form good answers...yes...the students will be able to write answers that give them good marks in the exam( because they have memorised it)...ermm...then...what? Owh okay I know then the school's "prestasi" will boost and the people higher up than the school will like it. I guess they(the people higher up) like it because this is their interpretation: 'Any increase in the exam results is a good sign of the students' increased learning and intelligence'. Which means the school is producing more educated citizens that are useful for the country?

Really? What did they learn?:to write pretty answers required by the question?(note that pretty answers mean that they are exactly what was intended in the answer scheme, not the kind of answers that show their thinking or feeling or opinion). What part of their intelligence increased? Will they be able to use the answer patterns...in making decision in life? in expressing themselves? in socializing with people? Like they can chat with another person like this:

A: Hey how are you doing?
B: Err...the character that I admire in the novel *** is ***
A: Ok dude, you're weird.

Could they use the answer patterns in giving their opinions in real life? Yes?...most of the questions are asking the students' opinion..and yes the answer patterns are opinions..but they are not really what the students' thought, felt or wonder. In fact, I doubt that they ever wonder because they were not given a chance to think, to wonder. They were fed again and again with facts that do not require them to think. Because if they write what they think...they wont get good marks, since their answers will be different from the answer scheme. What's the point of asking questions if you have provided the answer and anything different from what you want to hear is wrong. It's like:

A: What is the colour of your t-shirt?
B: It's a colour that I like, that makes me happy.
A: No, your answer is wrong. The colour of your t-shirt is red.
B: Then, why do you ask since you can see with your eyes that it is red.

Another thing that bothered me was when the presenter taught us about marking the students' papers. Her intention was good. Her approach was more humanistic (meaning that she keeps in mind that exam candidates are human, not robots). And these exact words of her that she kept repeating was what bothered me: "Keep in mind that the candidates are 15 year old kids who had to write something in a limited time, even we would not be able to do that" So that is the only point where the students' three years of learning in school is assessed? In that limited time? So being able to write something in a limited time qualifies the student as someone who had learned well in those three years? The aim was the end product, not the process of learning? So we get to know what the students achieved throughout the three years in the few hours exam? Not what they discover or acquired throughout the process of learning?

Then, if the school is gearing students towards the reading and writing in the exams? What happens to students that are not good in those field? They're not good not because they're lazy but because their ability is not in that field. But, since there is no channel that guided them towards discovering what they're actually good at, they felt incapable. That they couldnt do anything in school. So, they started doing things going against the teacher, the rules, the schedule. Unfortunately, they're not actually useless. They do have their specialties. But they do not know. Nobody knows. Because there is no way that could lead them to finding it out. The school's vision is not to produce happy students that make well use of their talents. Most schools' visions are like these:

sekolah gemilang antara terbilang (maksud: keputusan periksa yg terbaik antara sekolah2 elit yg keputusan periksanya bombastik)

The country's education philosophy seems to be forgotten, to produce well balanced humans. The products nowadays are rigid, stiff, expressionless, without opinions. For instance in an oral test that I did, I prepared an interesting picture : two sampans nearly crashed into each other, in each sampan there was a boy with a snake around their neck. The reason I chose the picture was to encourage them to comment, give opinions on the picture, as a prompt for them to speak one or two sentence. I started with direct questions and there was one question that everyone couldn't answer because it involves them giving an opinion, not because they do not understand the question in English because they still could not answer it even though I translated it for them, it went like this:

Me: do you think the snake is dangerous to the boy?
S: ....
Me: ular tu bahaya tak pada budak tu?
S: aa...
Me: don't worry, there is no right or wrong answer, saya nak pendapat awak je
S: ular bahaya, jadi bahayalah

Most students' answers were along this line. They keep on stating the fact that snake= dangerous. It is a fact, no other fact than this is important, didn't notice the boy's face, other people around the boy. Wow I thought to myself...they're robots. They stick to facts. No time to wonder, contemplate blablabla...

What made me sicker was this addiction or trend of measuring everything, making everything objective, turning everything into numbers, graphs. If you start measuring behaviour..wait could we even measure it?....this happens in my action research proposal. It was on extensive reading and my objective was vague, I was told. Because they wanted more of an objective that improves the students' language/grammar/vocabulary(since they need those to answer the exam and its measureable). Because my objective was to encourage the students' to be more expressive, able to give opinions on what he/she read and actually enjoy the story and will be encouraged to read more and perhaps acquire the language along the way, indirectly. They do not get the 'being expressive' part. I think this is what's going on in their head:

What do you mean expressive?Can it help the students to sit the exams? Will it get them As?

Well, if they do ask this, my answer would be:

Firstly, being expressive makes them a human being. If they are able to express themselves, it means that they were involved in thinking. And I think, people who could not be expressive, will be living a life full of suppressed feelings unable to convey them, turning them into depressed people who could not enjoy life. Trust me, I went through it and I m still suffering from it. I was not taught to express myself. Only facts were given to me. When I was asked if I have any questions, my mind would go blank, because I m not used to wondering, thinking. Nowadays, the products are not intelligent people but computers with no ability to think for itself, think outside of how its programmed, it does what it was told in the way that's shown to them.

Well, these are just my questions, thoughts, wonders. It does not really mean that I am right in every way and that I could be able to change the whole system for the better. Note that what I wrote is not my statement. They're my questions.

Friday, July 23, 2010

sleep

sleep is better than anything else. if i am given a choice between sleep and eat....I would choose sleep...once i sleep it's really hard to wake up again... because once I walk away from the bed i knew that there are lots of work that i need to do.....

when i sleep i usually dream of the best things that i wanted in life...so it's really sad to wake up to face the reality...

sometimes...i wish i won't wake up....but that's a really evil thought....so i water it down by thinking of a less evil thought like....maybe instead of not waking up, i wake up losing my memory....i dont know who i am so i dont have to do all of the unfinished work...start anew....without the bad memories....the moments when people look down upon me...when people made me feel ugly when they told me that i am ugly(seriously i am not making this up, more than one person had told me that i m ugly)....and i still believe them although i kept telling myself that they re wrong....but it's really hard to convince myself....felt like i m lying to myself.

writing this makes me sick....i m going to sleep...bye2 evil people....cruel world....

Monday, July 19, 2010

As I said, sometimes the world is too heavy for my simple minded self. Well today it was very heavy to the point that my body felt sick. My fingers were slightly numb and they are still numb at the moment I am typing this. I felt so suffocated that I had to stop by a store to buy a caffeinated drink on the way back from work.

Well usually the experts would suggest me to share my problems with other people so I would let go of the pressure. However, it really doesn't help if the people who listened to me couldn't help giving solutions and criticizing the way I handled the situation. No, I had always believe from the beginning that people are not the best solution for any of my problems. The best way is to keep myself away from people. Then, will I only not hurt too much.

Anyway, most of my problems usually originated from people, from my incapability of communicating and handling people. Even when I am hurt, I do not know how to explain the source of it to other people. I have zero people skills. Plus, I am very bad at explaining in words. I doubtthat people understand what I am talking about in my blog entries. I had always wish that I will meet someone who can understand me without bothering me to explain.

Yes, it bothers me to explain. I had listed some taboo questions that people should not ask me when I have a problem. The most popularly used is "What's wrong?". I will answer: "Damn! If I know what's wrong I would not have a problem" but I only said that to myself.

Fortunately, I found a way to relax through this:

http://www.the-little-experience.com/web_site/pdfs/free_pages/windmill.pdf

Yup! Making paper windmills. It engaged my mind. It is easy. Something that I can understand. The most interesting part is it lets me keep going on by designing the decoration, varying the colours, the size. I had lots more in mind on the paper windmills that I will do. Someday I will upload the pictures of the windmills I did.

Perhaps some people think this is ridiculous and that I am a weirdo. But, I hope that I am helping those people out there who are facing the same thing as me.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Something Random Always Makes Me Happy

Today, something random made my day and it came in the form of a "poslaju" receipt.

I went to our house that we rarely live in. My mother was set on cleaning the house. She had planned to do a lot and listed my chores during the drive there. Unfortunately (but fortunately to me, shh...don't tell my mother i said this), we forgot the house key (no, I didn't hide the key). So the least we could do was to check the mail.

When I lifted the mailbox flap, I only saw a piece of paper. I was a bit disappointed because I was thinking if there were a lot of letters in the mailbox, our trip there would not be all that useless.

I picked the paper thinking that it's just another unimportant flyer but when I turned it around and read it...I smiled. I stood there thinking for a while. The "poslaju" receipt was left there because the poslaju people came earlier with a parcel for me but nobody's home. I was thinking.."What could this parcel be?" "Who sent it to me?" "Why would I receive a parcel since I didn't order anything?" And "Ehh?! the poslaju people work on Saturday? Pity them." And one more "So if they work on Saturday, if I send anything by poslaju on Friday, it will arrive on Saturday not on Monday as I had always thought. Hmm.."

So, although the last two thoughts of mine are not related to this story, the receipt made me so curious that I had to go to the post office immediately even though it was already 4pm when I looked at my watch. The post office is in town, 9kms away from my home and I had just came from the town. It's just that I don't mind going back 9kms because I like driving anyway but I felt a little guilty to mother Earth for wasting fuel. But, wutevs, I was really curious I could die.

When I reached the poslaju counter, I handed the receipt to the lady at the counter and she went to the back to find my parcel. While waiting for the parcel I learned some more about our country's postal service (seriously, the main idea of this entry is moving away from the surprise parcel to Malaysia's postal service). Poslaju opens on Mondays till Saturdays and closes at 6pm. "Wow, that's late" I thought it closes at 4.30pm. Then, I flipped through something that looks like a calendar. It's actually an information on Malaysia's Postal Taarif. It's saying that the last time Malaysia's postal fee increased was in 1992. That's a long time ago compared to other countries like New Zealand, Brunei, Japan etc. Although the domestic postal fee has increased this year, it is way cheaper compared to other countries. For instance in Japan, you will need RM2 over for a single letter weighing less than 20g while we only need a few cents. This brought me to think about subsidies in the country.

But, the lady saved me from worrying about the country's economy by bringing me my parcel. Well, I'll think about it later and I doubt it will be very soon since I have the capability to be superignorant when it comes to serious matters. The minute I saw the parcel in her hands I knew it is from Reader's Digest. I could feel a big heavy question mark hitting my head. Why? would RD send me something like that since I do not subscribe to it and have been ignoring its bulky letters asking me to join in its competitions that required the contestant to buy its expensive books (genius marketing tactics).

When I saw the content of the parcel all thoughts were lost..Genius marketing wuteva. I m happy and I m smiling. Because there is a book inside (and some letters offering me to join a contest). I was very happy because it is a book, it is free, it came out of nowhere, I didn't ask for it...it's a book and it's random. Well, so the trip to our house was not all that useless, I got a book and learned new things about the post office and saved my butt from cleaning...hehe...what a random day.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Things I like...but does not necessarily makes me happy


1 - Books

2 - Comics

3 - Sleep

4 - Eat

5 - Water
6 - Coffee

7 - Driving

8 - Colours

9 - Beautiful things (eg: people, places, moments etc)

10 - Jokes

11 - Riddles

12 - Porridge...especially on rainy days

13 - Rainy days, because its related to water, sleep and porridge, but most of all, its cooling.

14 - Walking, its like putting my body on autopilot and my mind wanders elsewhere.

15 - Roadtrips

16 - Cycling

17 - Merry-go-round, the ticklish effect it created in my stomach makes me laugh uncontrollably.

18 - Red panda, i wish i have one at home because their energetic-moving-arounds are so contagious.

19 - Korean and Japanese drama, because they are usually truly unreal.


whoa...that's quite a lot. owh i forgot one more...i like listing things i like, to remind myself that there are a lot of wonderful things in life...especially when i started to feel like a robot.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Swimming

Swimming is cooling... I know it is even though I can't swim.

Swimming is what I think about in times of distress or I prefer to say shitty times. When scolded by someone who regards me as the lowest being without any values. That is one of the times when I turn off my hearing sense and maximize the volume of my imagination and touching sense... I could feel the heavy but smooth and cool water that lets my body goes with its flow. Or rather, it flows with me.

That sense gave me the ultimate feeling of freedom... Not rushing anywhere. No corners or sharp angles that restrict or bound me. Most importantly, it washes away all of the hate and worries and creases in my mind. Everything is so smooth.

I hope I live a swimming life.